Its hot outside, but thats ok... because I'm inside, right? WRONG. Its hotter in here than it is outside at the moment, why is that you may ask? Well... our AC unit is low on Freon, a simple fix really... except that the shit is so expensive and the one person whom I know that has some, hasn't returned my repeated phone calls... so I turn the unit off every four hours, chip the ice off the coolant lines, and wait for the coils to defrost... just to get another eight hours of cool blissfulness. Meanwhile, this house turns into a sauna, almost instantaneously... to top it all off, I went to sleep late, and woke up with a BLINDING headache, which I have nothing to take for. This has been a truly marvelous day... and I say that honestly, because without the truly shitty days, you can never enjoy the good ones.
On reflection.... scratch that, fuck today. (Except this morning, that was cool) Jenn says to blame the south.... I'm inclined to agree.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Decisions... Decisions...
So here I am, its midnight, and my two yr old daughter is asleep next to me in my bed. I am content. For those of you that dont know me or my situation, lets just say its complicated... laughable even. But, to make a long story short, my exwife needed a place to stay, and theres no way I'm going to let my daughters be put out on the street. So here we all are, living together, again.
Aside from the fact that I have a girlfriend who lives four hrs away, and and exwife who lives with me... I am as I said above, content. I forgot how much my daughters mean to me, I think. How much I miss seeing them, and holding them. Dont get me wrong, I'm able to see my daughters whenever I want to, my exwife(Naomi) has always been gracious in that respect, and for that I thank her. But it doesnt hold a candle to having your children in the same house as you.
And here is my dilemma... Naomi has been offered a job in Columbus, about an hour north of here. While that in itself is a good thing for her... it takes my kids farther away from me than they were previously. Naomi had a solution for this, yes we're divorced, but lets get a place together and split the rent. Fantastic! Except.... Julia. I know Julia said that she didnt have a problem with it, me and Naomi moving in together, and this move would actually put me closer to her. But I just cant help but think about how I would feel if she had been previously married, and suddenly wanted to move in with her exhusband.... I trust her implicitly, but what would my mind be thinking day in and day out... would that sour our relationship before it ever got a chance to take off, all these little, tiny nagging doubts? Not much on their own... but when they add up, would they be too much for me? for her? Now... on the flipside, I desperately want to be close to my children, but the company I work for isnt represented in the town that we're discussing here... so I would have to leave the career that I had started and move to another company. So many things going through my head right now... I just needed to see some of them in front of me... I guess.
Aside from the fact that I have a girlfriend who lives four hrs away, and and exwife who lives with me... I am as I said above, content. I forgot how much my daughters mean to me, I think. How much I miss seeing them, and holding them. Dont get me wrong, I'm able to see my daughters whenever I want to, my exwife(Naomi) has always been gracious in that respect, and for that I thank her. But it doesnt hold a candle to having your children in the same house as you.
And here is my dilemma... Naomi has been offered a job in Columbus, about an hour north of here. While that in itself is a good thing for her... it takes my kids farther away from me than they were previously. Naomi had a solution for this, yes we're divorced, but lets get a place together and split the rent. Fantastic! Except.... Julia. I know Julia said that she didnt have a problem with it, me and Naomi moving in together, and this move would actually put me closer to her. But I just cant help but think about how I would feel if she had been previously married, and suddenly wanted to move in with her exhusband.... I trust her implicitly, but what would my mind be thinking day in and day out... would that sour our relationship before it ever got a chance to take off, all these little, tiny nagging doubts? Not much on their own... but when they add up, would they be too much for me? for her? Now... on the flipside, I desperately want to be close to my children, but the company I work for isnt represented in the town that we're discussing here... so I would have to leave the career that I had started and move to another company. So many things going through my head right now... I just needed to see some of them in front of me... I guess.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Julia.
Yes... it is Monday, but this post is about events that have been coming to a head for about a week now.
Ya know what... I just got done writing 5 paragraphs about my exwife and roommate, but I deleted it. I'm going to talk about something really important to me, something that truly deserves my attention, my girlfriend... Julia.
Most people in my life consider me an asshole. For the most part, this title is well-deserved. But this blog isnt about me, its about the one who makes me want to be everything but an asshole. I met her over the Internet, I'll pause to let the laughing die down..... finished? good. Without delving into the whole romance, she has very quickly become the light of my life, and my reason for being. I'm not an angry person. It really takes a whole lot to get me angry to the point of me showing my anger, but when it gets to that point, you should probably walk away quickly. I've had a lot of things happen to me in the last year that have severely strained my coping skills with humanity in general. I found myself getting more and more aggressive. It was getting to the point that... I didnt even want to go out anymore, I was afraid of what might happen. Then I met Julia. Now... Julia is not like any of my other friends (with the exception of one or two online friends). Most people that I hang out with are very sarcastic, they pride themselves on their dry sense of humor, and their razor wit. But not Julia... she's sweet, caring, bashful, beautiful, intelligent... so many words come to mind, and god... how her eyes sparkle. Looking into her eyes is like falling into a dream, I get lost every time.
But, I digress. The more I talked to Julia... the more I wanted to tell her. This was strange for me, and a little bit scary. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a VERY private person, rarely do I let on what I'm thinking, and I hardly ever "discuss my feelings". This always came naturally to me, and I had no problem with it. But here I was telling this girl, whom I had just met, things about me that my own family didn't know about me. I felt perfectly fine with it... scary yes, but I always go with my gut... and it wasnt saying anything bad. I went to visit her in June for 6 days... aside from the daughters being born, that was one of greatest moments in my entire life.
I really don't think I can describe in words what Julia means to me, I don't think that my eloquence reaches that far, so I wont try. Nor do I think there is enough "virtual paper" here to hold all that would be necessary to adequately describe how much I love her.
Julia... I wake up everyday with you in my minds eye, and fall asleep wishing for the day that you were falling asleep next to me. In all that you do, and everything that you are.... you make me want to be a better person, for you. I love you with all my heart.
Ya know what... I just got done writing 5 paragraphs about my exwife and roommate, but I deleted it. I'm going to talk about something really important to me, something that truly deserves my attention, my girlfriend... Julia.
Most people in my life consider me an asshole. For the most part, this title is well-deserved. But this blog isnt about me, its about the one who makes me want to be everything but an asshole. I met her over the Internet, I'll pause to let the laughing die down..... finished? good. Without delving into the whole romance, she has very quickly become the light of my life, and my reason for being. I'm not an angry person. It really takes a whole lot to get me angry to the point of me showing my anger, but when it gets to that point, you should probably walk away quickly. I've had a lot of things happen to me in the last year that have severely strained my coping skills with humanity in general. I found myself getting more and more aggressive. It was getting to the point that... I didnt even want to go out anymore, I was afraid of what might happen. Then I met Julia. Now... Julia is not like any of my other friends (with the exception of one or two online friends). Most people that I hang out with are very sarcastic, they pride themselves on their dry sense of humor, and their razor wit. But not Julia... she's sweet, caring, bashful, beautiful, intelligent... so many words come to mind, and god... how her eyes sparkle. Looking into her eyes is like falling into a dream, I get lost every time.
But, I digress. The more I talked to Julia... the more I wanted to tell her. This was strange for me, and a little bit scary. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a VERY private person, rarely do I let on what I'm thinking, and I hardly ever "discuss my feelings". This always came naturally to me, and I had no problem with it. But here I was telling this girl, whom I had just met, things about me that my own family didn't know about me. I felt perfectly fine with it... scary yes, but I always go with my gut... and it wasnt saying anything bad. I went to visit her in June for 6 days... aside from the daughters being born, that was one of greatest moments in my entire life.
I really don't think I can describe in words what Julia means to me, I don't think that my eloquence reaches that far, so I wont try. Nor do I think there is enough "virtual paper" here to hold all that would be necessary to adequately describe how much I love her.
Julia... I wake up everyday with you in my minds eye, and fall asleep wishing for the day that you were falling asleep next to me. In all that you do, and everything that you are.... you make me want to be a better person, for you. I love you with all my heart.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Saturday... again.
Whatever happened to those days where one actually looked forward to Saturday? I remember when Saturday was the ONE day a week where I was guarunteed to not have to do a single thing, where spontaneity ruled the day. But not anymore... today its work, or housework, or outside work, or helping a friend move, or more of the same inane drivel that fills the nice quiet voids in my life... perfect example for today. My roommate and I went out Friday night, we didnt stay out too late, around midnight, didnt get too hammered, and came home and played video games til around 2am or so. I had to work Sat night and I wanted to sleep in late so I wouldnt have any problems staying up all night at the hotel. I'm sleeping very, very soundly at around 9am when my phone goes off, its my exwife, and she has graced me with a text message... yay. Here's the conversation:
Her: "Hey... I have to work today, can you burn me a CD?"
Me: "Yes."
Her: "Did you guys have fun last night?"
Me: "Yes."
Her: "Thats cool, so what are you doing up so early?"
Me: "I'm up because you fucking woke me up."
*turns off phone*
By this time, I'm already too pissed to go back to sleep, so I get up and start the day... wayyyy too early.... so here I am at 2am in the morning, bleary-eyed, and waiting for the coffee to finish perking, and seriously wishing that I had been able to spend my Saturday with Julia, but...
Sometimes your the bug, and sometimes.... your the motherfuckin windshield.
Her: "Hey... I have to work today, can you burn me a CD?"
Me: "Yes."
Her: "Did you guys have fun last night?"
Me: "Yes."
Her: "Thats cool, so what are you doing up so early?"
Me: "I'm up because you fucking woke me up."
*turns off phone*
By this time, I'm already too pissed to go back to sleep, so I get up and start the day... wayyyy too early.... so here I am at 2am in the morning, bleary-eyed, and waiting for the coffee to finish perking, and seriously wishing that I had been able to spend my Saturday with Julia, but...
Sometimes your the bug, and sometimes.... your the motherfuckin windshield.
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